The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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