she woke up with a sticky ear
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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