Im at strip club and am horny
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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