dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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