The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
