Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
