It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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