this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
