Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
