the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
