Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think I just sharted jello shots
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