i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
