I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
