I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
