That's when you crack a 10am beer
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
