I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
