I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
