I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
