at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
