Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
