why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
