It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
