3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
