I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
