I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This house was built for laser tag.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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