Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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