obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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