your parents love me but you hate me
we have pet lesbian snakes
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
