his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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