Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
