I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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