You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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