why didn't you poke me back
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
