I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
