it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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