shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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