I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
