3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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