Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
