we have pet lesbian snakes
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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