I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
