i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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