i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
