she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
