There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
