Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
