We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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