I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is wine microwaveable?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
