I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
