I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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